(continued) do, and he just says, “I don’t know.” But I guess, a question for other people who live with depression or bi-polar disorder, is there anything I can do? Usually I try to provide some distraction–if I’m not working, I can read to him. Or I suggest he watch a TV show (though he won’t unless I put it on for him). Any other ideas? Or am I doing it wrong, should I just let him do nothing (literally, he just sits there staring into space, looking miserable, for hours on end)? Help?

First of all: *hugs*

Second of all: you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not. YOU’RE NOT. Depression and depressive illnesses are awful. You’re there for your spouse, and you love him. Nothing wrong about that.

It may be that he needs a different medication, if his body has grown too familiar to his usual one. Worth talking to people about. 

I can only tell you about my own experiences, and a few of the things that have assisted in my own depressive episodes. I’ve also used these things when I’ve been with members of my family who also have illnesses. I hope some of this is useful to you. But (and I’m sure I don’t already have to say this), your situation will be different, because he is different, you’re different, his illness is different. 

Okay, I’m about to be super frank and personal, so under the cut I go.

1. DOING. ANYTHING. NEARBY.

Anything I can join in on, even in an observational capacity, HELPS. Not being alone with my Big Black Dog Thoughts. My husband sometimes just works in the same room as me. IT HELPS. He plays music, sometimes it’s a song I like and know and I sing along (can’t ever stop me singing heh). He watches a television series: I’ll watch it too, because it’s already there and playing. 

(this is how I recently got into ‘Cleverman’ holy shit it is brilliant)

It makes me feel like my company is worth something, too, even when I am a fucking useless wreck. 

Occasionally it’s just the pair of us working on our laptops in the family room. And I will stop and be sad and listless, or cry. And he will put his hand on my foot, and that’s that. I can be sad, and that’s all right, but I’m not alone to be sad. 

Sometimes he listens when I’m ranting, and that’s good too. That’s all good. 

2. Stuff that is Too Hard.

Sometimes, even taking a fucking shower feels like Everest. And so what my husband does (and what I’ve done in the past for my sister)… he runs a bath for me. A nice one. One I like to take. Bubbles and everything, super indulgent. It’s a small thing, but it’s SO GOOD. And I’d never do it for myself.

We have a system of cups of tea when we’re stressed. Peppermint tea is my fave, because it makes my stomach calm, wakes me up a little and tastes fresh. Sometimes too, the settling of my stomach makes me hungry again (I often stop eating when I’m low). 

Work, urgh. When I’m depressed, facing work is torture. Getting up is torture. Being AWAKE is torture. So Mr Dets leaves a coffee for me EACH AND EVERY MORNING. He helps me make the Dwarfling’s lunch every evening. There’s vegemite toast waiting when I get up. Small stuff, so that I can handle the big stuff, like being a mum and going to work and dragging myself to the shower and not being a wreck.

3. Schedule Schedule Schedule

This is the thing that has helped me SO MUCH. I don’t enforce our chores/weekend schedule. Mr Dets does, mostly. If it were me, I’d lie in bed all weekend and never do anything ever.

But he has this weird thing about wearing clean clothes 😀

Saturday morning, we do a Whole Family Thing, ALL THREE OF US. Outside. Go to a park, go out to lunch: even if it’s only an hour we never fail to go. I don’t pull out of it, because it’s our routine. Because the Dwarfling (and I) deserve not to be cooped up all day in the house.

We have a ‘Movie Night’ WITHOUT FAIL every Saturday. No matter what. Toddler goes to bed, Mr Dets sticks on the microwave popcorn and opens a beer for us both. We turn off all the lights, stick a DVD on, and watch a film.

Sunday is grocery shopping and House Reset. We go to the farmer’s market, buy food, do laundry. We do the folding together, while watching Mad as Hell or whatever series has recently caught Mr Dets’ eye. I have to participate: this is my home, my life, part of my responsibilities towards my family, and I can’t slink away. I fold clothes. He irons.

This also makes me feel less useless.

Like I said, these things have helped me. Often, I’m unresponsive EXCEPT for these things, because my ability to interact without being exhausted is virtually nil. 

But not being alone, being able to participate as an observer, small gestures (like a piece of toast or a cup of tea) that make big things easier, and placing my responsibilities inside a schedule of my own choosing (one that I feel honour-bound to respect, one that I do not, in fact, enforce, but just go along with) – these things help me. They’ve helped other members of my family deal with their own Big Black Woofers. 

You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not. Depression makes everyone feel helpless, that’s part of what is terrible about it. 

I hope all of this personal blah is helpful, or gives you some ideas. There’s much MUCH more professional advice on sites like BlackDog and BeyondBlue. 

My heart and thoughts go out to you and your spouse, Nonnie. All my love to you both.