You’ve probably seen the post about the fuck up between the American Possum and the Australian Possum. Now let me introduce you to fuckery of the “Canadian” Goose
There is nothing Canadian about this God Damn Goose. It is not nice. It is not adorable. It’s EVIL. IT IS DIRECT. IT IS SADISTIC. THIS THING WOULD FIGHT A SNAKE AND PROBABLY WIN
THIS BIRD IS THE EPITOME OF “FIGHT ME,” AND WILL INDEED. FIGHT. ME. AND YOU. AND ANYONE ELSE IT FEELS LIKE FUCKING UP.
They come in hoards. They lounge by the parking lot. The grocery store. The highway. The hold up traffic because when they pass, the cars know better than to endure the wrath of this Canadian goose.
iT TAKES AN ARROW TO THE HEAD, NOT EVEN A KNEE, AND CONTINUES GOING ABOUT IT’S GOD DAMN BUSINESS TERRORIZING THE PUBLIC
HOW IS THIS BIRD CANADIAN? WHAT IS CANADIAN ABOUT THIS BIRD?
THIS BIRD IS A MENACING MOTHERFUCKER. IT BELONGS IN AUSTRALIA WITH THE REST OF THE DEADLY MONSTROSITIES DOWN THERE! I KNOW THE SWOOPING MAGPIES ARE A BITCH, BUT GOD DAMNIT, WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.
I like how lazy we are about naming things in australia. it’s like. build a bridge over the harbour, let’s call it the harbour bridge. build an opera house. just call it the opera house. build a big pointy tower in the centre of town. centrepoint tower. new territory to serve as nation’s capital. australian capital territory. that state that’s in the west. western australia. what do we call those mountains with all the blue fog? blue mountains. great big road that goes along the ocean? great ocean road. A+ naming skills australia good on ya guys awesome job
e.g. “Sorry I won’t be able to help you move this weekend. Barry’s gone and totalled the ute.” “Aw, geez, Barry, not again? What’s that make it, five times in two years?” “Five!? Jesus wept! The man shouldn’t be allowed behind a fuckin’ wheel!”
(tbh all the stuff I see about it makes me wonder what a musical about the first Australian politicians would be like. who am i kidding, it would be that total asshole Macarthur screaming ‘YOLO’ repeatedly and flipping the bird at everyone and everything, while Macquarie chews his foot off in frustration, and the ghost of Arthur Phillip tears his wig in despair)
Actually this makes more sense than what I was taught in primary school, which was that Australia is shaped like the head of a Scottie dog (Scottish Terrier) and Tasmania (the big island down the bottom) was its dog tag. I blame this lesson for my continued inability to draw maps.
HOW VERY DARE YOU CAST ASPERSIONS UPON MY STRAYAN-NESS
JUST FOR THAT, MY MOST WONDROUS OF REBELS, I HAVE FUCKING PHOTOBLOGGED THE MAKING AND EATING OF VEGEMITE TOAST
FIRST. GET YOUR TOAST.
this is the multigrain variation of this fine dish, purchased from my local bakery (who DO A FAB CHEESYMITE SCROLL TYVFM AND NO THEY’RE NOT BAKERS DELIGHT EITHER)
then get your essentials:
THE STUFF.
Toast is done. Get butter happening.
LOTS OF BUTTER.
Then get into that salty umami happiness pot:
fuck, I’m almost out. Time to sacrifice a wombat, I guess
(just joking of course, ahahahaha*)
NEXT. SPREAD THAT VEGEMITE ONTO THE TOAST. NOT THICKLY. This is not fucking nutella, your tongue will be scorched land and you will taste nothing but salt for decades if you spread it on like nutella. THINLY. You wanna see butter in places.
(hopefully your bread isn’t as fresh and liable to fucking tear as mine…)
Now. Eat that wonderful goddamned black gold, savoury and buttery and warm and fucking delicious, all the while secure in the knowledge that there is now a rose in your every cheek (yes, we know, we know, the mental image is hilarious).
It is at this point that you will be forced to fight any opportunistic bastard walking into the kitchen who says, “oh, is that vegemite on toast?” They want your second slice. DO NOT GIVE IN. They make their own, dammit. This one’s yours.
FUCK YOU GAZZA, IT’S MY TOAST
This concludes the lesson (and the snack).
(* We really sacrifice a roo.)
HAPPY AUSTRALIA AND/OR INVASION DAY, YA BASTARDS.
Reblogging our national cuisine in honour of the occasion. 🙂
As a devoted Strayan, I’ve done my best to eat as much damper, lamingtons, and buttery vegemite toast (*tips a slice in salute to @determamfidd for her wonderful defense of the power of the rose in every cheek*) as I have been able to fit in the belly this morning. Washed down with good tea in a tin cup (I have not pulled nan’s old billy out.TEMPTING. But I didn’t do it).
Lamb and snags off the barbie, and pav with nana and passionfruit for dinner tonight, folks.
*smooshes all the Aussie and non-Aussie peeps*
Nice! We just went swimming down at the foreshore, and had a barbie on the beach. V Strayan! I may even have a glass of Chardie or Cab Sav later 🙂
HOW VERY DARE YOU CAST ASPERSIONS UPON MY STRAYAN-NESS
JUST FOR THAT, MY MOST WONDROUS OF REBELS, I HAVE FUCKING PHOTOBLOGGED THE MAKING AND EATING OF VEGEMITE TOAST
FIRST. GET YOUR TOAST.
this is the multigrain variation of this fine dish, purchased from my local bakery (who DO A FAB CHEESYMITE SCROLL TYVFM AND NO THEY’RE NOT BAKERS DELIGHT EITHER)
then get your essentials:
THE STUFF.
Toast is done. Get butter happening.
LOTS OF BUTTER.
Then get into that salty umami happiness pot:
fuck, I’m almost out. Time to sacrifice a wombat, I guess
(just joking of course, ahahahaha*)
NEXT. SPREAD THAT VEGEMITE ONTO THE TOAST. NOT THICKLY. This is not fucking nutella, your tongue will be scorched land and you will taste nothing but salt for decades if you spread it on like nutella. THINLY. You wanna see butter in places.
(hopefully your bread isn’t as fresh and liable to fucking tear as mine…)
Now. Eat that wonderful goddamned black gold, savoury and buttery and warm and fucking delicious, all the while secure in the knowledge that there is now a rose in your every cheek (yes, we know, we know, the mental image is hilarious).
It is at this point that you will be forced to fight any opportunistic bastard walking into the kitchen who says, “oh, is that vegemite on toast?” They want your second slice. DO NOT GIVE IN. They make their own, dammit. This one’s yours.
okay legitimately, I didn’t realize just how ridiculous some of this is until this video. like this is all so normal to me that it took seeing it all lined up like this for me to go…. oh
Aw Yiss 