A blonde, a brunette and a redhead walked confusedly into a bar. The barkeep says: “For the LAST time, Isengard is NORTH. Stop taking directions from ‘Thranduilion McWhat’sAMap’ here!”
Eru: regardless of how anyone feels about it, things continue to happen
Morgoth: place your most powerful gems, jewels, and amulets into a box, you should sense strong energy emanating from within, then send the box to me
Manwë: just because i caused the problems doesnt mean i have the solutions to them
Míriel: i have to lay low for a while, by that i mean lay on the ground and not move
Fëanor: learning from mistakes is for people who recognise that they make mistakes. i dont give a shit
Fingolfin: it happens to the best of us, the best of us such as me, out of both of us im the best one, probably too great to give you usable advice
Finarfin: the “drama” fiasco is over, we learned nothing from it and nothing changed but we can safely say it is over for sure i hear that
Maedhros: its time to forget the mistakes of the past and start making the mistakes of the future
Celegorm: survival tip: you can sleep in an unattended birds nest for free
Caranthir: have to stop saying “how am i going to kill my way out of this one” everytime there is trouble going on, or at least not out loud
Curufin: instead of saying what you are all thinking i say what everyone would be thinking if they were as cerebrally intelligent as me
Finrod: you have to be cruel to be kind, no wait the other thing, you have to do nice things. phew, could have caused a lot of problems
Galadriel: some say killing people is the answer to the problems, me personally i think killing people is bad to do because im not a horrible monster
Fingon: tired of people always telling me go to hospital and that i’ve lost a lot of blood, its my severe head injury not yours stay out of it
Turgon: hey kids, i know youre struggling right now but im here to tell you, everything gets worse forever
Aredhel: dont speak i know just what youre saying, something about how beautiful and strong i am probably
Eöl: if someone betrays me i will turn on them with revenge in a second, sometimes even before that, its just the way it goes in this drama life
Maeglin: maybe i am the one to blame, on the other hand maybe every one else is the ones to blame
Luthien: looks like things are always happening once again
Turin: where people like you see a problem i see opportunity to create worse problems
Nienor: i am going to lay completely still on the forest floor until either things start going my way or i disintegrate into nothing
Elwing: “i’ll take this to my grave” – me, holding a bunch of jewels, gems and amulets
Sauron: there are few things in life that can’t be achieved with occult dark magic
Erendis: if you want something done you have to just forget about it and move on with your life, theres no point in expecting anything from anyone
Mîm: sometimes the only real friend you have is your countless enemies
The Silmarillion, as a whole: its all fun and games until its not that anymore
so we went to an improv show and we played this game where somebody is given a trait and another player has to guess what it is based on how they answer questions
and one of the players who was a taxidermist was asked “what do you do for a living?” and she replied “oh you know…. stuff” AND TO THIS DAY THAT IS THE GREATEST PUN I HAVE EVER HEARD MY GOD
You’ve probably seen the post about the fuck up between the American Possum and the Australian Possum. Now let me introduce you to fuckery of the “Canadian” Goose
There is nothing Canadian about this God Damn Goose. It is not nice. It is not adorable. It’s EVIL. IT IS DIRECT. IT IS SADISTIC. THIS THING WOULD FIGHT A SNAKE AND PROBABLY WIN
THIS BIRD IS THE EPITOME OF “FIGHT ME,” AND WILL INDEED. FIGHT. ME. AND YOU. AND ANYONE ELSE IT FEELS LIKE FUCKING UP.
They come in hoards. They lounge by the parking lot. The grocery store. The highway. The hold up traffic because when they pass, the cars know better than to endure the wrath of this Canadian goose.
iT TAKES AN ARROW TO THE HEAD, NOT EVEN A KNEE, AND CONTINUES GOING ABOUT IT’S GOD DAMN BUSINESS TERRORIZING THE PUBLIC
HOW IS THIS BIRD CANADIAN? WHAT IS CANADIAN ABOUT THIS BIRD?
THIS BIRD IS A MENACING MOTHERFUCKER. IT BELONGS IN AUSTRALIA WITH THE REST OF THE DEADLY MONSTROSITIES DOWN THERE! I KNOW THE SWOOPING MAGPIES ARE A BITCH, BUT GOD DAMNIT, WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.
“No, it is true – the song is as old as the Last Homely House itself. It’s easy to modify. I think the original version is long lost: none can even recall who wrote it.”
Gimli guffawed. “What, so they make up new rhymes for every visitor? Why waste the time?”
Legolas grinned, and began to sing in a high, mocking voice.
“O! What are you doing, And where are you going? Your hose it needs mending! Your backside is showing! O! tra-la-la-lally here down in the valley!”
“Tweren’t I that ripped my hose,” Gimli laughed. “Go on!”
Legolas gave a sly bow, and continued.
“O! Will you be staying, Or will you be leaving? Your braids they are fraying! Your breath it is heaving!
What brings Master Gimli down into the valley? The daylight fades dimly, to leave would be silly. So gruff and rough-hewn, can a Dwarf even croon along with our tune, in June ha! ha!”
“Very kind!” Gimli said – and he was indeed gruff, his arms folded. “Very near to the words they first sang to my father and I as we approached Rivendell, in fact.”
Legolas bent and kissed the rough brow in apology. “Perhaps I should sing you the verses they made up for me?”
so. they made a new german discowrld essentials edition, with a new covers (which is good because the old ones are real bad)
and they are these manga-like ‘build a picture’ style, which i like
but. oh my god. look at that vimes
this isn’t samuel ‘worked the night-shift for 30 years, runs on coffee and spit, has probably not slept more than 3hours any given day’ vimes
this is the guy who played vimes in murder-mystery play, ‘inspired by real events’. hammy acting, horrible script, ‘Clues’ everywhere, heroic fightscenes, big speaches. Vimes threadened to shut the whole thing down for slander. Sybil probably got an autograph
I’ve been staring at this post for 15 minutes and I can’t stop laughing omg omg I’m seeing stars oh no.
Sybil invited the damn company to the house for their afterparty and you know it.
the actor earnestly explains at one point the fitness routine he undertook to ‘get in character’ for the part of the ‘heroic commander’ while pointing at various melon-sized muscle groups. vimes himself is sitting there shoveling something that’s 98% grease by volume into his face and also staring balefully. he’s never done a pushup in his life. he wouldn’t know a fucking pushup if it spat on him in the street. sybil is doing her absolute best not to laugh and her best is nowhere good enough. the actor, encouraged by the (presumably) admiring male stares and flirtatious female giggles, goes on to describe his hair-care regimen.
Nooooooo oooooonnnnne stops coups like Sam Vimes
Distrusts clues like Sam Vimes
No one lives off of Klatchian brews like Sam Vimes
He’s especially good at in-VEST-igating
My what a guy, that Sam Vimes
This post got better since I saw it last night oh my gods.
Thank you @roachpatrol I don’t think I’ll ever stop laughing now.
Sorry @roachpatrol for hijacking your post but that was just hilarious and i had to draw it….
(It’s hard to draw Vimes out of uniform! But I guess even he doesn’t wear armour 24/7…)
(Young Sam is like ‘daddy, I want an armour like that!’)
I’m sure Angua loved it too
And then she run
OH WOW I love your Vimes! And Angua messin’ with him is beautiful. 😀
why didn’t i see any of these illustrations earlier THEY’RE GREAT
Aw Yiss 