
Too dark, gramma. Pull it back a little.
When I was nine, possibly ten, an author came to our school to talk about writing. His name was Hugh Scott, and I doubt he’s known outside of Scotland. And even then I haven’t seen him on many shelves in recent years in Scotland either. But he wrote wonderfully creepy children’s stories, where the supernatural was scary, but it was the mundane that was truly terrifying. At least to little ten year old me. It was Scooby Doo meets Paranormal Activity with a bonny braw Scottish-ness to it that I’d never experienced before.
I remember him as a gangling man with a wiry beard that made him look older than he probably was, and he carried a leather bag filled with paper. He had a pen too that was shaped like a carrot, and he used it to scribble down notes between answering our (frankly disinterested) questions. We had no idea who he was you see, no one had made an effort to introduce us to his books. We were simply told one morning, ‘class 1b, there is an author here to talk to you about writing’, and this you see was our introduction to creative writing. We’d surpassed finger painting and macaroni collages. It was time to attempt Words That Were Untrue.
You could tell from the look on Mrs M’s face she thought it was a waste of time. I remember her sitting off to one side marking papers while this tall man sat down on our ridiculously short chairs, and tried to talk to us about what it meant to tell a story. She wasn’t big on telling stories, Mrs M. She was also one of the teachers who used to take my books away from me because they were “too complicated” for me, despite the fact that I was reading them with both interest and ease. When dad found out he hit the roof. It’s the one and only time he ever showed up to the school when it wasn’t parents night or the school play. After that she just left me alone, but she made it clear to my parents that she resented the fact that a ten year old used words like ‘ubiquitous’ in their essays. Presumably because she had to look it up.
Anyway, Mr Scott, was doing his best to talk to us while Mrs M made scoffing noises from her corner every so often, and you could just tell he was deflating faster than a bouncy castle at a knife sharpening party, so when he asked if any of us had any further questions and no one put their hand up I felt awful. I knew this was not only insulting but also humiliating, even if we were only little children. So I did the only thing I could think of, put my hand up and said “Why do you write?”
I’d always read about characters blinking owlishly, but I’d never actually seen it before. But that’s what he did, peering down at me from behind his wire rim spectacles and dragging tired fingers through his curly beard. I don’t think he expected anyone to ask why he wrote stories. What he wrote about, and where he got his ideas from maybe, and certainly why he wrote about ghosts and other creepy things, but probably not why do you write. And I think he thought perhaps he could have got away with “because it’s fun, and learning is fun, right kids?!”, but part of me will always remember the way the world shifted ever so slightly as it does when something important is about to happen, and this tall streak of a man looked down at me, narrowed his eyes in an assessing manner and said, “Because people told me not to, and words are important.”
I nodded, very seriously in the way children do, and knew this to be a truth. In my limited experience at that point, I knew certain people (with a sidelong glance to Mrs M who was in turn looking at me as though she’d just known it’d be me that type of question) didn’t like fiction. At least certain types of fiction. I knew for instance that Mrs M liked to read Pride and Prejudice on her lunch break but only because it was sensible fiction, about people that could conceivably be real. The idea that one could not relate to a character simply because they had pointy ears or a jet pack had never occurred to me, and the fact that it’s now twenty years later and people are still arguing about the validity of genre fiction is beyond me, but right there in that little moment, I knew something important had just transpired, with my teacher glaring at me, and this man who told stories to live beginning to smile. After that the audience turned into a two person conversation, with gradually more and more of my classmates joining in because suddenly it was fun. Mrs M was pissed and this bedraggled looking man who might have been Santa after some serious dieting, was starting to enjoy himself. As it turned out we had all of his books in our tiny corner library, and in the words of my friend Andrew “hey there’s a giant spider fighting a ghost on this cover! neat!” and the presentation devolved into chaos as we all began reading different books at once and asking questions about each one. “Does she live?”— “What about the talking trees” —“is the ghost evil?” —“can I go to the bathroom, Miss?” —“Wow neat, more spiders!”
After that we were supposed to sit down, quietly (glare glare) and write a short story to show what we had learned from listening to Mr Scott. I wont pretend I wrote anything remotely good, I was ten and all I could come up with was a story about a magic carrot that made you see words in the dark, but Mr Scott seemed to like it. In fact he seemed to like all of them, probably because they were done with such vibrant enthusiasm in defiance of the people who didn’t want us to.
The following year, when I’d moved into Mrs H’s class—the kind of woman that didn’t take away books from children who loved to read and let them write nonsense in the back of their journals provided they got all their work done—a letter arrived to the school, carefully wedged between several copies of a book which was unheard of at the time, by a new author known as J.K. Rowling. Mrs H remarked that it was strange that an author would send copies of books that weren’t even his to a school, but I knew why he’d done it. I knew before Mrs H even read the letter.
Because words are important. Words are magical. They’re powerful. And that power ought to be shared. There’s no petty rivalry between story tellers, although there’s plenty who try to insinuate it. There’s plenty who try to say some words are more valuable than others, that somehow their meaning is more important because of when it was written and by whom. Those are the same people who laud Shakespeare from the heavens but refuse to acknowledge that the quote “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them“ is a dick joke.
And although Mr Scott seems to have faded from public literary consumption, I still think about him. I think about his stories, I think about how he recommended another author and sent copies of her books because he knew our school was a puritan shithole that fought against the Wrong Type of Wordes and would never buy them into the library otherwise. But mostly I think about how he looked at a ten year old like an equal and told her words and important, and people will try to keep you from writing them—so write them anyway.
*sobs for like the umpteenth time this day and reblogs the fuck out of this*
Reblog, Facebook, and sending it to myself so I can always find it…
This brings back so many memories of my childhood stories that I may just weep.
I am no fan of the aspiration to do original work. First of all, that creates an enormous amount of anxiety, and secondly, it is an impossible aspiration, because there’s no such thing as original work. If you show me a piece of artwork that everybody heralds as being totally original, I will bring in ten academics and critics who will look at that work and tell you from where that person drew their inspiration, who they had been reading, what painter they had seen … I’m much more interested in the chain of influence than I am in the narcissism of originality. The only way that you can create authentic work is to, with great humility and great faith and great curiosity, follow your own inquisitiveness, wherever it takes you, and trust that whatever comes out of you will feel original. That while other people may have done the same thing, you didn’t do it yet, and as soon as you do it and put your mark on it, it will, by its own right, start to feel original, as long as it has that authentic heart.
Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, and you’ll soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you’ll find that you have more of it.
As a guide I had only my own feelings for what is appealing or moving, and for many the guide was inevitably often as fault. Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible; and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer.
J R R Tolkien in the Foreword to the Second Edition of The Lord of the Rings
Just a little reminder that even those considered “Greats” now had only their own feelings to guide them when writing and also suffered criticism and misunderstanding. You aren’t alone.
(via the-books-we-travel)
Of course just one of these flags (like 1 or 4) does not make anyone immediately an abuser but every flag can be used as a manipulation tactic.
I personally would add
- They move too fast. They get very close to you in a short time. If you express discomfort with the pace of your relationship’s progression or try to withdraw, they redouble their efforts to be close to you. They may suddenly have a crisis and insist that only you can help them. Or they may make grand, romantic gestures that are too expensive, ostentatious, or intimate for your current relationship stage.
- They isolate you. They dislike your friends and family and encourage you to reduce contact with loved ones. They may also extend the isolation and try to keep you from socializing with coworkers or neighbors. They might even try to keep you from making small talk with strangers on the street or random passersby. Everyone you like, they hate. They may also try to push you together with their own friends, especially any of their friends who you don’t get along with.
GEEZ GEEZ GEEZ this is so accurate.
look out for these signs! i know it’s easy to ignore these things when you’re in love, but please be careful!
this can happen in romantic relationships but also friendships and family relationships. trust your gut.
^A lot of these signs applied to a friendship I had when I was in the third grade. I only realized how manipulative and controlling it was years later.
Also in addition to making you compromise your values:
- They don’t value your opinion as equal to their’s.
- They think of your facts as bullshit
even though they might not present any facts to support their opinion.- They try to lure you into things that are against your values without justifying it well.
- They think of your experiences as inferior to their’s.
This one guy is clearly interested of me and my
not singlefriend but constantly says that our facts are not true and shows signs of all of those flags all the time. All we can do is to try to realize that that person is not good for us and that they are trying to manipulate us. I’m very caring person but I’ve justified me leaving him out / not caring of him by him being dangerous to my mental health and my friends mental health.
Have you ever been too nice and ended up in a situation that could’ve been avoided if you just would’ve been an ass hole??
people are allowed to leave you.
people are allowed to break up with you.
people are allowed to love you but not want to be with you.
people are allowed to not want to talk to you.
people are allowed to put their happiness before yours and do what makes them happy even if it does not include you.
people are allowed to move on from you.
people are allowed to fall in love with someone else.
people are allowed to not want you in their life.
people are allowed to do whatever they want to better themselves and become the version of themselves they are trying so hard to love.
don’t be bitter towards someone who is only trying to be happy.I feel like this POV does not get enough voice.
Okay this doesn’t work because my usual strategy is to sincerely (and somewhat angrily) list everything I like and/or envy about them. Like, how dare you not take pride in your own worth, you fucking idiot dingus.
There are a lot of reasons to not like yourself, but I’ve met very few legitimate ones. All your flaws and mistakes are potentially temporary or can be subverted into something good. When I have an interaction that doesn’t make me feel good, I look at what consequences my behavior had. Do I like those consequences? …Can I learn to like those consequences? What other behaviors or thought patterns can I add to the mix to make those consequences better or more bearable? Am I the cause of the problem, or is it the situation or environment that I’m in?
(For instance, if you’ve been around awhile you know that I believe Florida has made me a worse person. It tag-teamed with 2014 and a bunch of jewish senior citizens to kick my ass. I’m sure I haven’t been perfect in this relationship, but trust me. Florida is the asshole.)
Am I still just in my twenties and do I have a whole lot of time ahead of me to figure this shit out? Am I going to die eventually anyway? Yes. Whew. Nothing I do matters. I hope you find that freeing and not depressing. If not, pretend I never said anything.
Who are you trying to impress when you assess yourself and “hate” what you find? Is it really you you’re thinking about? Unhappiness is chemical and sometimes can’t be helped except by medication or whatever, sure, yes. But first try to think, like… fuck, am I making myself happy? You are literally the only person that matters. LI T ER ALLY your whole job in life is to please yourself and a couple people with the power to make you less lonely or make your financial/academic life easier. The fact that you usually end up connecting with them on an emotional level is icing, baby.
I dunno. I don’t struggle often, so I’m probably a bad person to ask for advice. I’m proud of my happiness and it’s very hard for me to entertain self-hatred without fighting it tooth and nail. If you don’t like yourself, you might be fighting something bigger or more insidious than I’ve ever had to handle. But you’re fighting it enough to know you don’t like it and to ask for help, so I assess from that one sentence that you’re also a tough motherfucker.
I think you really need to find someone safe and smart to bounce these feelings off of. Like, the SPECIFIC feelings, with details, not this vague anon bullshit. You probably need to be validated and understood by someone. That helps a lot.
oh mann i am an old veteran at self loathing. these are good words but here is what i’ve learned as someone who DOES hate themselves all the time
here is what self hatred is for me
- it is a form of narcissism. that sounds weird, but it a lot of problems with self-loathing and anxiety, in my experience, come from thinking ABOUT YOURSELF TOO MUCH. even if you couch it in terms of worrying about other people or failing other people, it still loops around to YOU. self-hatred is a way of feeling special.
- it is a form of control
- it is pre-emptive self defense because your ego is actually kind of fragile. i have specifically thought ‘if i say worse things about myself than anyone else does i will have won’ or something like that. like NOBODY can make me feel shittier because i’ve already made myself feel the shittiest?? it’s a way to de-power other people.
- it is an excuse to not change (i can’t because i’m shit, end of story) and often an excuse in general. it makes it easy to say no to things and avoid things.
- it is being overly judgmental and critical. i am judgmental and critical of everything and everyone, so i feel like i can be a ‘better person’ by turning it all inwards instead of against other people. but it’s still the same toxic shit at the end of the day, and again – a form of feeling like i’m in control.
- there is actually a lot of humility in trying to let go of self-hatred. your ego literally gets wrapped up in this idea of yourself to the point where if people compliment you it feels like an ATTACK. everyone that’s felt self-loathing has probably feverishly argued NO, IM REALLY SHIT!! with a friend about something the friend spoke positively of. and it is a genuine, sincere argument. a compliment undermines the self-concept the self-loather has; it is disagreement. no matter how much people profess to hate themselves or how low self esteem we claim to have we still don’t take disagreement well, like, ever.
- letting go of self hatred is in many ways just learning to let go of your /self/. what it means to genuinely care about other people or the world. learn true unconditional acceptance. empathy. maturity. hard stuff tbh
DUDE. Dude. This explains so many personalities that previously could not be explained. This is fucking awesome. Self-hatred as a security blanket.
(I do the “I can self-depreciate better than you can insult me” thing, but I think it’s balanced out by the fact that I just don’t care if I’m a bad person, as long as I don’t cause egregious harm.)
If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.