smartpeoplewatchtv:

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to say this, because it’s important to me. It’s long. 

I’m turning 33 in 2017. It’s my hobbit coming-of-age, which is something I’ve been looking forward to since 4th grade when Mom started reading Fellowship of the Ring out loud to my brother and I. I’ve grown up with Tolkien in my blood. It has always been a huge unifier for my Weasley-esque family. LOTR was one of the few books that my dad loved reading, and I remember watching and re-watching the old Rankin-Bass cartoons until I could recite every line in elementary school. Boromir dying was a crucial moment in my discovery of how much reading could touch my heart, and Frodo and Sam’s relationship was a gateway into the discovery of my own queerness. I shipped them before I knew people could romantically love someone of the same sex.

My parents have never been comfortable with me being queer. I came out to them in high school, and again in college, and again in grad school… and recently had a big blow-out with them where I nearly left the family. That was a couple years ago on New Years’ Day. I ended up taking the step of setting up Skypes with them where I explained what it meant to me to be pan, and why it was so upsetting to me that they were anti-gay. We ended up in a sort of tentatively ok relationship, though I didn’t have the courage to ask them how they felt. It was a rift between us, even though we’d stretched a thread of a bridge across it.

This year, my parents have been visiting my state in order to help my grandparents with the next stages of their lives. This April, they drove out here. My dad had to fly back, so I ended up driving back to my parents’ home state with my mom. I had brought a couple audiobooks, but I was also reading @determamfidd‘s beautiful behemoth Sansukh at the time and thought– hey, maybe Mom would like this. 

I don’t know why I thought that. I don’t know why I started reading it to her. Regardless, she ended up crying over how beautiful chapter 1 was, and made me keep going. I read to her over the course of the next two days as we drove across the US, and I kept reading to her when we got to their house. And then for the past few months, I’ve skyped in and slowly continued to read to her. I was absolutely terrified to read the part where Thorin discovers that Bilbo is his One, but all she said was, “Aww, that’s so cute.” 

Today, I read to her the second Helm’s Deep chapter, where Legolas reveals his love for Gimli to a long-suffering Aragorn. I was so worried. I’m currently sick, so my reading voice wasn’t as strong this time (and any pretense at accents that I ever had went out the window), but I wanted to read it anyway. My stomach was in knots. But I read it. And Mom was enthralled. She said, “Ooohhh,” in this relaxed tone like it was the best love story she’d ever read (let’s be frank, it’s pretty amazing). When Thorin was comparing Legolas to his own lost love for Bilbo, she again was making sympathetic sounds. When I stopped reading, all she could do was praise the writing and say how much she loved the story. 

To have my mom accept and enjoy a story with not one, but two major gay pairings was huge to me. Huge. I never thought, ever, that she would feel this way. I never thought, as a baby queer kid reading and writing fanfiction, that this would one day bring about a stronger bond between me and my mom. 

So this is my love letter to fanfiction. This is my love letter to Sansukh, which is huge and amazing and worth every single second you spend reading it. This is my love letter to Frodo and Sam– my OTP before I knew queer love could exist, and to Legolas and Gimli, whose love story is undeniable.  And this is my love letter to @determamfidd, who changed my life with her writing. I cannot thank you enough. 

i’ve just re-read this about eight times, and I’ve tried, honestly, I’ve tried just as many times to put together something, anything, that will tell you just how much this means to me, that you would write something so massive and real and tag me, to share it with me

I’m shaking because 19 year old me, who came out as bi to my parents, was not believed or accepted. I hid most of my relationships from them. To this day we simply don’t speak of it. 

I’m crying because you are wonderful, you are so SO brave, I could never be this brave, you are wonderful, your family learning and growing and coming together is wonderful, I’m happier for you than anything, happier I can ever explain.

*hugs* thank you. Thank you. The messages of this fic are and have always been hope, love, change, growing into your best self, learning to see past prejudice. But it’s just a story.

@smartpeoplewatchtv – you’re the one who is living them, for real. 

Thank you. Thank you for sharing it with your mum. Thank you for telling me this. Thank you. You’ve done a bit of healing on an old, old wound.