think about all the people you’ve secretly had a crush on. all the people you’ve found attractive, but never said anything to. every stranger you’ve temporarily fallen in love with on public transportation. all the people you’ve dreamt of and thought of in the early mornings.
and now take a moment to realize that they’re lizards. all of them. they were all reptilians in disguise
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh god, that’s amazing, I love it, I’ll add some (gosh, I am guilty of some of these, and yessss every single one, gimme 😀 )
– Hair braiding!!! ALL THE HAIR BRAIDING
– Gimli does not think he is attractive enough bc he is but a nasty lil Dwarf
– Legolas does not think he is attractive enough, bc why we just don’t know
– Fangorn Forest/Aglarond LOVE SHACK BAAAABYYYYY (love shack baby)
– Gloin and/or Thranduil find out by walking in on them together (often followed by)
– epic, epic tantrums from Gloin and Thranduil
– Fighting as a form of flirting
– ALL. THE. SPEECHES. ABOUT. LOVE. ALL OF THEM.
– the competition continues IN BED *waggles eyebrows*
– Tremblingly nervous ingenue Legolas
– Gimli swears incessantly andconstantly
– Lapsing into Khuzdul or Sindarin during the nasty
– Epic service top Gimli
– Aragorn knew before the Quest even BEGAN and is 9000% done with the pair of them please please Arwen make them stop, I have seen and heard things that no man should see/hear
– Lavish, lingering comparisons between Elvish and Dwarvish physiology (*whispers* oh of this I am so guiltyyyy)
Dwalin: If you ask him outright he might want to fight you. Instead, suggest some elves were doubting the might of Dwarven Weaponry, sit back and enjoy the show.
Balin: You can ask him. He will look only mildly disappointed in you. You will cry anyway. He’ll pat you on the back and offer to write you down titles of a few erotic publications he heard were particularly skillfully illustrated.
Fili: As long as neither Uncle nor Mister Dwalin is looking. Unfortunately, before he can remove all the knives out of the way, one or the other would come check what’s to do.
Kili: Totally would. Are you sure you want to ask tho? There could be anything down these trousers.
Oin: He can show you his pick. He can show you a stick. He can show you a brick. And he’ll do it real quick. How long are you prepared to yell “DICK” on top of your lungs, out in the open like that?
Gloin: Gloin will not show you hid dick. He will, however show you a picture of his wife, the person with exclusive rights to his dick, the most beautiful dwarrowdam in the Blue Mountains, mother to the bravest lad and the most promising axe fighter his age in the Blue Mountains, etc. etc.
Dori: Will most definitely NOT show you his dick. And he’ll thank you not to extend any such offers to his brothers. The nerve of some people. He will require a whole pot of chamomile tea to calm down. He will have his eye on you from now on, to be sure.
Nori: “Sure, which one? I was feeling adventurous so I packed three.”
Ori: You will not have a chance to ask Ori. It was a mistake to ask Dori first. Do not approach Ori. He might want to approach you. In that case, run.
Bifur: Has been sunbathing in the nude any chance he got, since the very beginning of the quest. At this point, you are considering asking him to stop showing his dick all the time.
Bofur: Buy him a beer or three and he’ll jump on a table,
whip it out,
and make a demonstration of his flute-playing technique. Do it when elves are present.
Bombur: Won’t show you his dick, but ask anyway. He’s got a very cute blush.
Bilbo Baggins: He’ll be taken aback. Disbelieving. Apalled. Amused. Considering. Suspicious. Huffy. Pensieve. Gobsmacked. Apologetic. Self-depreciating. All that will take approximately 10 seconds. Then he’ll attempt to refuse, trip over a choice of platitudes, look over your shoulder, blink, and drop trout. Then he’ll put his clothing to rights, thank you, for some reason, and saunter off looking mighty pleased with himself.
Thorin Oakenshield: If you hurry up you can catch him masturbating, right this moment.
Aw Yiss 